


Chouji's Fancy Hat

by greenkangaroo



Category: Naruto
Genre: AU, Assassination attempts, Chouji didn't even submit a resume for this job, F/M, Food, M/M, Neji Lives, OCs - Freeform, Politics, Polyamory, canon character death, he is just as concerned as anyone else that he has it, not neji though god damn it, when you're underqualified as hell but they need someone at the register right now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-05-24 06:12:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14949101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenkangaroo/pseuds/greenkangaroo
Summary: The Hokage is the strongest ninja in the village, loved and admired by all.At least that's what they said in the Academy and that's what Naruto believed until his teacher got the job and it turns out being Hokage is a thankless slog of paperwork, compromise, and ending (or starting) the occasional war.Naruto's been acknowledged, and being a hero's a lot more fun than being a Hokage. He doesn't want the job and it turns out no one else does, either.Chouji certainly doesn't. He just makes the mistake of answering his doorbell.





	1. Fuck You I'm Hokage

**Author's Note:**

> Someone on tumblr prompted me with Hokage Chouji. This is what happened.

The trouble started when Naruto started acting…squirrely.

Someone would ask him how he felt now that his penultimate goal was so near, and he’ d brush the question off. Inquiries about party plans if (when) he was made Hokage were met with ‘Eh, whatever.’

Three days before Kakashi was set to retire, Naruto and Sasuke disappeared.

Sakura swore up and down that she had no idea where they’d gone, but the shit eating grin on her face said otherwise.

Of course losing a former S-class criminal who had attempted to assassinate a Kage and plotted to assassinate several more was really no laughing matter. You couldn’t tell anyone in the Hokage Tower that.

Kakashi didn’t seem all that disturbed, though the Council of Clans, the Jounin Council, an the Elder Council for once all agreed: this was a disaster. The Hero of the Fourth War had just run off with no warning, effectively going missing nin with a walking mental health disaster and no plan.

Kakashi informed the councils that he still planned on retiring, and the hunt was on.

Inuzuka Kiba was immediately tapped. Intelligent, an accomplished ninja, a proven team player with a deep sense of moral fair play and a dedication to his village on top of all the work he’d done to improve and expand the Inuzuka ninken techniques.

“Pass,” he’d said. He was too busy working on building a search and rescue net for the Shinobi Alliance that could transcend their villages in case of natural disasters.

Aburame Shino? A prodigy of insect breeding, the strongest Ark-Hive in the history of his clan. Cool under pressure, polite and deadly.

“I feel I can better serve Konoha in the Research Division.”

Sakura! Surely Haruno Sakura would consider the job? The disciple of Tsunade, puncher of goddesses, medical prodigy, champion of better enforced laws and regulations regarding the health of Konoha’s villagers, shinobi and citizen alike?

“Yeah, no way.”

Down the list they went.

Hinata? “The Hyuuga and the dissolution of the Branch House need my full attention. I’m very sorry.”

Alright, Neji. "Once the Branch is dissolved I will be needed to help guide the Hyuuga to a new dawn. I am flattered, but must decline."

Tenten? “Are you kidding? I’ve got fourteen smiths lined up for a new workshop I’m not gonna be Hokage!”

Ino?

“HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA oh wait you’re serious. No. Get out.”

What about Rock Lee? 

"It would be an honor! But there is much to be done in proper taijutsu training for the new Academy, and I have only just received a genin team! I hope to do my Sensei proud! I-" 

Okay no. 

Shibi, Hiashi, Genma? ….GAI?

No, no, no, and 'Dear Rival while I appreciate your consideration-’

Until Kakashi, barely holding back laughter, offered the job to Nara Shikamaru.

Who looked him dead in the eye and said, “No. It’d be a drag. But I have a better idea.”

-

The trouble got even worse when Akimichi Chouji, freshly returned from a successful diplomatic mission to the Land of Swamps, made the mistake of opening his front door to find his best friend, the Hokage, and a small pile of paperwork between them.

“No,” he’d said immediately.

“Chouji-”

“No-”

“You have the training-”

“Shikamaru in what universe do you even remotely think-”

“-you were a commander in the war, you’re respected-”

“Shikamaru-”

“-and it’s not like running a clan is that much different from running a village, albeit writ large-”

“SHIKAMARU!!”

“You’re hired,” Kakashi said.

—

Chouji never wanted to be Hokage.

For one thing it was supposed to be a job for the strongest ninja in the village and the definition of strength, to ninja, was always a bit squishy. Oh yes Chouji would agree he’s strong physically, but he couldn’t exactly turn the world with godlike jutsus. He didn’t have a huge chakra construct or a nine-tailed demon fox or even a swarm of obedient chakra-eating insects. Sure he'd gained some interesting quirks during the war but he was just- himself.

The kind of strength Chouji had always treasured wasn’t the kind Konoha had ever told him was useful.

Then there was the fact that Hokage was a job for people who knew that sometimes you had to inflict a lot of hurt to get any good. Hokage was a position that required deviousness, diplomacy, and a mind bent always to the best possible outcome not for people at large but the village as a whole. It needed a certain ruthlessness that Chouji didn’t think he had in him.

To be fair, Naruto hadn’t really had it in him, either. Maybe that was why he’d taken off.

Chouji seriously debated going after him. Going missing-nin would be worth it if he could strangle the life out of his friend for putting him in this situation. 

 

-

Chouji's last ditch hope had been voting procedure. Citizens and ninja of Konoha could cast ballots, and the three councils would also vote. Surely a write-in candidate (there were a few campaigns happening) would win the day? 

Chouji knew that the citizens of Konoha wouldn't vote for a nin they barely knew, even if he had a familiar clan name. The nin of the village likewise wouldn't throw their weight behind him when they had options like Shino or Hinata, even Ibiki. The Elder council, the Clan council, the Jounin council? They'd been prepped and ready for a walking chakra dynamo to defend their village. Chouji made a damn fine souffle but he didn't have a tailed beast. 

He was safe. 

-

“I am going to kill you,” Chouji said to Shikamaru, as calmly as he’d often asked his best friend if he wanted another chip. “and no one is going to believe it was me, so no one will ever find your body.”

“Chouji hold still,” Ino said, tweaking how the hat sat on his head. “You and all your hair…”

“I will erect a golden statue of you playing shogi,” Chouji decided, “and I will dedicate it to my friend Shikamaru, who stabbed me so deeply in the back he might as well have done it in the front.”

“Stop being so dramatic,” Shikamaru said, critically examining the robes as they sat. “Ino we’ve got too much length here.”

“Well you know if you’d give me a second and WAIT FOR THE ACTUAL SEAMSTRESS-”

“Maybe I’ll bury you next to Hidan,” Chouji said dreamily.

–

The Akimichi Clan had absolutely no idea what to do with the fact that their heir had been bamboozled into becoming the leader of the village. 

Every single Akimichi walked around looking dazed and confused for a week after the ceremony. Chouza seemed entirely shellshocked.

The only person who was proving to be useful was Chouji’s mother.

“Well, what’s done is done,” she told her son, who was having a hard time looking at the hat while his entire life was packed up by ANBU (ANBU. He’s in CHARGE OF THE FUCKING ANBU-) and carried out the door. “Do the best you can.”

–

Homura and Koharu talked too much and Chouji informed them of that, in front of Terumi Mei’s bewildered envoy.

“There’s no reason to say no,” he said, somewhat enjoying their flabbergasted faces. “The shoreline in question hasn’t been contested in forty years and pirates have been spotted off the coast three times in the past seven months. We’re building the joint garrison. Do you have a list of potentials?” He asks the envoy.

The young Mist ninja nodded. He was a Hoshigaki, or Chouji figured he was; big round eyes, gills. “I- to be frank, Lord Hokage, I didn’t think I’d get this far.”

“Neither did I,” Chouji told him.

–

Chouji put down his chopsticks and gestured for one of the ANBU- Rabbit- to come a little closer.

“Sir?”

“So the cooks are still around, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Go round them up, please. That’s definitely poisoned.”

“Sir?!”

“Foxglove,” Chouji said with a small smile. “I’ve always liked the bite.”

–

“I’m sorry, Shino, could you repeat that? Slowly, so the Elder Council can hear? You know their ears aren’t very good.”

Shino obediently repeated to a red-faced Homura and Koharu why it was that this particular breed of moth had to be restored to the Forest of Death.

“Sounds reasonable to me,” Chouji said once he was done. “Who do we put in charge of that?”

–

It was almost midnight and Shikamaru couldn’t get Chouji to move from the desk.

“Chou, let it go.”

“No,” Chouji said. “I should have known.”

“You couldn’t have known.”

“You would have.”

Shikamaru winced. “Chouji, you’re not..”

“Not like you. I’m not a genius or a powerhouse I’m just a fucking AKIMICHI, Shika!” He stands and the desk pushes forward, shaking. “Five men are dead because I missed the fine fucking print and that’s unacceptable! I told you I couldn’t do this, I told you to pick someone else I-”

Shikamaru came around the desk, wrapped his arms around Chouji. The man breathed deep and rested his forehead on Shikamaru’s shoulder.

“I’m not a Hokage, Shika,” Chouji whispered. “I’m just a screwup.”

“No, Chouji,” Shikamaru responds, “you’re not.”

–

After the Kage Summit wherein Chouji had given his full report regarding what he’d come to call “The Uzumaki-Uchiha Extended Honeymoon”, Gaara pulled him to the side. The desert was researching green barriers to help with the path of oasis normally travelled by visitors, did Chouji have any ideas regarding…?

They talked for a solid three hours. When Chouji got home he sent Ino a quick missive. 

"You want me to send who to where?" 

"Trust me, Ino." 

Yamanaka Kouta was more than happy to pack his bags and all of his soil samples and head to Suna.

When the first barriers began to take root in earnest, Gaara sent Chouji a succulent plant. It lived on the corner of his desk in a pool of constant sunshine. 

–

“You know it’s looking good,” Ino told Chouji as she pulled back from his office window. "I think they even got that scar on the side of your mouth right." 

“If I don’t look it’s not real,” Chouji told her and stamped another piece of paper.

“Chouji it’s just your face on the rock.”

“My face does not belong anywhere near that rock, Ino.”

“Sure it doesn’t,” she said, and kissed him on the forehead.

–

Five years after Naruto and Sasuke began their world tour, they were welcomed back at the gates of Konoha with fanfare. There was laughter, tears, and Chouji.

Who promptly sucker-punched Naruto so hard it took him an hour to shake off the blow and another hour to remember how to properly teleport back to Konoha.

“That wasn’t nice,” he complained as he climbed through the window of the Hokage's office, as he's done for the third, the fifth, and the sixth.

“Fuck you I’m Hokage,” the Seventh said sweetly. "Have a cookie." 

Sasuke, nursing his own black eye and with a cup of strong hot tea, began to laugh.


	2. No Business Before Food

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> each Hokage leaves a stamp on the position. Chouji's might well be his penultimate rule.

No Business Before Food. 

It had been the clan rule for as long as Chouji could remember. Hungry people were angry people. They were less likely to listen, less likely to compromise or try to understand. He couldn't remember a single meeting he'd attended with his father that hadn't started with some kind of meal. Big or small, heavy or light, no Akimichi Clan Head had ever discussed a marriage, an alliance, a land dispute or a question of breach of contract without eating first. 

Chouji expected and accepted the eyerolls he got (behind masks, for the most part, the ANBU are opinionated, not stupid) when he instated that very rule in his office. 

You want to meet with the Hokage? You sit down and have a cookie first. No business before food. 

So ridiculous. A waste of time and resources. 

“Yes, I understand. You were shortchanged by a ninja you trusted, and it happened under our jurisdiction. I promise you, we’ll get to the bottom of this.” 

There was no way a plate of cookies and tea could solve all the world’s ills. 

“Miyamoto-san, the Uchiha compound is under the sole ownership of Uchiha Sasuke. Taking into consideration both his crimes and the work he did to balance them under my predecessor it just wouldn’t be right to remove the deeds to the last piece of the family he lost. However, we’re putting together a proposal I think you’d be interested in-”

There’s a time and a place for everything, and the office of one of the most powerful leaders in the ninja world is not the place for shortbread and gossip. 

“You have every right to be upset, ma’m, and I’d like to take this opportunity to ask a strange question. Our genins’ aim could use some serious work and your poor boundary fence is clearly a target. Would you perhaps consider-” 

And who is even baking all these cookies? Are they being properly vetted? 

“I’m sorry but this marriage contract clearly states that as your daughter married outside of your clan, she’s not beholden to your rules anymore. What is it about the rule you want her to follow? The- well why didn’t you say so, if it’s a technique you want to preserve there’s a number of Academy students all interested in special training-” 

The Hokage doesn’t have fire-natured chakra. How does the tea even stay warm without winding up overbrewed in the first place? 

“Gaara I’m not saying Shikamaru and Temari CAN’T get married I’m saying that WHEN they get married the annulment agreement needs to be iron-clad because between your old farts and mine this is going to be the biggest scandal- oh she’s only a month along? Well that’s better than two, gives us some time.” 

Conversation doesn’t get things done. Action gets things done. 

“Lord Raikage, please chew more. There’s toffee in that and if you choke this will be a very short meeting.” 

It’s nearing midnight. An ANBU captain fresh from a joint task mission that had gone appallingly bad sits down across from his Hokage. His gear is bloodstained, his hair dull with sweat and dirt. “Lord Hokage, I-” 

He goes still when Chouji sits up, leans forward, and pulls his mask off. 

Chouji carefully puts it to the side, pours a cup of tea, offers a small plate. 

“No business before food, Neji,” Chouji says gently. 

Hyuuga Neji gathers himself up, nods once. 

He eats a few cookies, drinks the tea. 

“Tell me,” his Hokage orders and he does. It could be better, but as Chouji points out it could be a hell of a lot worse, too. 

No business before food.


	3. Forget About All That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter describes chouji gnawing a dude's face off so like. Be prepared for that.

The ANBU have an agreement. 

No one talks about the time the Hokage ate a man’s face off. 

It couldn’t be avoided. Well, alright, it should have been. There's no excuse for the lapse in security and people got fired. 

The assassin in question was being controlled long distance in a Yamanaka-esque fashion, and even as she failed to get to her Hokage poor Salamander could SEE how she would lose him, the first diplomatically minded, mentally sound, paperwork-efficient Leader they’d ever had. 

(an argument could be made here for Tobirama, but the ANBU are still decidedly divided on Hokage #2. After all. Kinjutsu.)

Anyway the point was this was the first Hokage the ANBU felt they actually NEEDED to protect, and they were about to fail. 

The Seventh Hokage didn't seem all that put out by the prospect, shifting a little bit in his chair as the would-be murderer made to climb over it and bury a kunai likely laced with all sorts of awful things in his heart. 

This brought him within arm's reach. The Hokage took advantage of this and grabbed his attacker around the back of the neck, calmly opened his mouth, and bit. 

Salamander can still hear the sound of bone crunching and flesh being torn in her nightmares. 

This didn’t STOP said long-distance assassin, who merely decided a lack of face on their meat puppet was an inconvenience. The absence of arms after the Hokage tore them off was, however, a bit of a downer. 

Salamander didn’t even see the legs get removed. She thinks it has something to do with whatever it is her Hokage keeps hidden under his hitai-ate. 

The office was a mess and the paperwork messier. The Hokage was awkwardly apologetic, asked someone to get him a mop and bucket since he had to go get something out of his teeth. 

The incident was immediately classified. 

No one bothered asking the Akimichi what the hell happened. 

No one was sure they wanted to know.


	4. Love and Marriage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Hokage in possession of a very large amount of people who feel the need to harass him about nuptials almost constantly must be in want of a wife.

“You never got married in office!” Chouji said to Kakashi, who he KNEW was smiling behind that goddamn mask. 

“I was busy and so was Gai,” Kakashi said peacefully. 

“And what makes you think I’m not busy?!” 

“You have a much better concept of workflow than I do, Hokage-sama.” 

“A better concept of workflow doesn’t mean I’m gonna just, like, rearrange my schedule so I can get hitched!” 

“How many times has your father mentioned grandchildren in the last month?” Kakashi asked. 

Chouji groaned. 

“You’re doomed, Hokage-sama.” Kakashi said. “Accept it.” 

-

“You’re baking,” Sakura told Chouji as she sat down for their weekly meeting, the Head of Konoha’s Medical Core and the Hokage. 

“Stress is a wonderful motivator,” Chouji told her. “Pecan delight?” 

“Don’t mind if I do.” 

-

Chouji had always known he would have to get married. 

It came with the territory. He was the Sixteenth Heir of the Akimichi and there had to be a Seventeenth. Unlike during the Warring States period, where parentage could be disregarded so long as the Patriarch or Matriarch was strong enough to keep their clan alive, the Akimichi had settled in Konoha and picked up other clans’ rigorous traditions. There was no reason for there not to be a marriage. 

At least according to the clan there wasn’t. 

Chouji had a list a mile long, starting with ‘the rerouting of Konoha’s irrigation systems’ and ending with ‘the renegotiation of grain prices with the Land of Rice.’

It had gotten so bad he couldn’t even go back to the compound to visit without some well-meaning cousin or uncle demanding to know when their Hokage would finally put a ring on it. The ‘it’ in question didn’t seem to matter as long as it could produce children. 

Chouji stopped going home to visit. 

-

“It’s getting long again,” Sakura told Chouji, tugging on one strand of her pink hair. They’d moved their meeting to the hospital so Chouji could see firsthand the differences that changing data collection on patients had created in accident-tracking charts. 

“Do you like it long?” Chouji asked her. 

Sakura shrugged. “I don’t know. I liked it when I was a kid, but now..” 

“I could teach you how to sharpen it with chakra,” Chouji offered. “Turn your head into a deadly pink porcupine.” 

Sakura laughed. “I might take you up on that.” 

-

“Can’t I just marry you?” Chouji asked Ino. 

She smiled at him. “No dice and you know it.” 

The Triad Clans- the Akimichi, the Nara, the Yamanaka- did not allow marriages across their ruling families, lineage and the survival of their ninjutsu trio a foremost concern. If Ino had a sibling, she’d have been more available- but like Shikamaru she’s an only child. 

“What makes you think I’d want to marry you anyway?” She asked. 

“You don’t like to cook,” Chouji said. 

“Okay you’ve got me there,” the Head of Psychic Interrogation turned her paperwork for her Hokage to look at and the matter was put aside. 

-

Chouji looked up at the medical trainee who had been discovered going through Orochimaru’s old notes. 

“Things have been done in this village that can’t be undone,” he tells the young man, rising from his chair. His chakra began to fill the room, something like the ocean’s distant roar. “and while they cannot be taken back, they cannot be repeated.” 

“But sir-” 

“I wasn’t finished, chunin,” Chouji said pleasantly, too pleasantly, showing perfect white teeth. The man shut up. 

“You will study this information you were so eager to learn,” Chouji informed the chunin, “under the care and council of the Ethical Committee with the chaperoning of Konoha Yamato. Once you have finished the studying of these materials, you will present to the Medical Core Council why, in the first place, you felt it necessary to even consider the implantation of foreign tissue into children without their parents’ consent. You will then be judged by a jury of your peers and an applicable punishment meted and should you even consider an attempt at going missing nin..” 

He leaned forward slightly. 

“I will find you. Not my ANBU. Not the tracking division. Me. And I will break your neck with as much effort as it takes me to pluck a leaf from a branch. Have I made myself clear, chunin?” 

He got no answer but he didn’t need one. The man was led away. 

Chouji sagged back into his chair, hand over his face. 

“Thanks for not killing him immediately,” he said to Sakura in the corner. He could hear the leather of her gloves flex. 

“It was almost worth it to watch that,” she said lightly. He could tell she was still trembling in rage but the anger was abating slowly. “That was impressive, Hokage-sama. You should do it more often.” 

“God I hope not,” Chouji said and Sakura laughed. 

-

“Women are troublesome,” Shikamaru advised Chouji. “Be like Kakashi. Marry a man and find a surrogate.” He shrugged. “Or a man who can bear children.” 

“Shikamaru I’ve never dated I’m not holding interviews for the position of my spouse.” 

“Why not? Makes the most sense.” 

“You say that like you’ve thought about it.” 

Shikamaru sat up. “I’ve got thirty potential plans to find you a partner, Chouji, but none of them will work.” 

“Why’s that?” Chouji asked. If he focused on the clouds he could ignore the ANBU sitting at the top and bottom of the hill, guarding the scant minutes he and his Jounin Commander could spend together. 

“Because they all rely on you believing you’re good enough for someone.” 

Chouji winced. “You didn’t have to be so blunt, Shikamaru.” 

“Yes I did.” Shikamaru replied, and he was right. He did. 

-

Sakura looked from Chouji to the slightly squished and lopsided little cake. 

“Sorry I forgot,” Chouji told her. She could see deep bags under his eyes. They almost matched hers. “Wouldn’t want my Head of the Medical Core to think her Hokage forgot her birthday.” 

Sakura smiled and though she knew they didn’t have any time, said, “Would you like to come inside?” 

-

“What about someone from another village?” Tenten asked Chouji. “There’s a lot more travelling happening now.” She grinned. “And a lot of ninja from Cloud are really dynamic.” 

“Is that what you call what Karui was doing with her tongue?” Chouji asked. 

From her not-so-subtle hiding place beneath Tenten’s weapons counter Chouji could hear the cloud ninja say, “HEY!” 

-

Naruto and Sasuke had sent Sakura souvenirs and one of them was a bottle of peppers. 

She didn’t dare try it. 

“So you want me to be your guinea pig?” Chouji asked, mock-outraged. 

“If you can’t handle them just say so,” Sakura teased. Chouji rolled his eyes and opened the bottle. He took a sniff and immediately recoiled, screwing the lid on and pushing it away. 

Sakura stiffened. “Hokage-sama?” 

Chouji shook his head. He’d gone pale as a piece of paper. “It’s fine. I’m fine.” 

Sakura took the bottle and opened it. She inhaled and her eyes went wide. Olfactory memory sent her back to a hospital room, to layers and layers of seals, to a young man on a bed so skinny she could see how his ribs looked like a butterfly’s wings. 

“Chouji I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t know.” 

“It’s okay,” Chouji told her but she came around the desk anyway and wrapped her arms around him, stroking his hair until the slight trembling stilled. 

-

“Marriages are to make a single person stronger,” Shino said. He carefully released a male spider onto a flower near a massive web. He stepped back and Chouji said, “And that’s why you’re not married?” 

They watched the male pluck nervously, watched the female become alert. 

“I feel I am strong enough alone,” Shino acknowledged. “Though perhaps in the future that might change. You are strong enough alone, too, Chouji. But there’s a difference between you and I.” 

“What’s that?” Chouji asked. The male, being accepted, scrambled up the web towards his prospective bride. 

“My strength is insular,” Shino said. “It remains static, unchanged. Yours is the kind that can be multiplied, like Naruto's, once exposed to others.”

They watched the male spider escape by the hairs of his legs after the deed was done. Shino smiled underneath the high collar of his coat, sent a few kikai to gather up the wayward male. There were more ladies yet for him to see. 

“For what it’s worth,” Shino said to his Hokage, “I believe that with the right partner you could truly be unstoppable.” 

-

“Sakura if I had the funding I’d give it you know that.” 

“It’s not a case of not having it’s a lack of will!” Sakura shot back. 

“The northern wall’s damage has to come first. If something were to happen-” 

“We’re at peace, Hokage-sama!” 

“No peace lasts forever,” Chouji snapped. “And you KNOW that, Haruno!” 

Sakura’s fist came down on his desk but didn’t impact. He grabbed it, squeezed warningly. 

In the shadows the ANBU shifted. 

“Give me time, Sakura,” Chouji said. “Please.” 

“The kids in Lowtown don’t HAVE time, Akimichi,” she spat and stalked out of the office. 

-

“There’s just so much to consider,” Hinata said as she poured him tea. “Clan alliances, village alliances, how matches affect the Damiyo’s power.” 

Chouji sighed. “I get tired just thinking about it.” 

Hinata smiled. “I know.” She patted his shoulder. “Imagine the look on my father’s face when I told him my intentions.” 

Chouji looked through the open sliding doors to where Umino Iruka was grading papers on the porch. 

“Do you ever think about what you might have given up?” Chouji asked her. “Choosing to marry for love instead of power?” 

“All the time, especially with the problems of dissolving the Branch,” Hinata confessed, “but power was never what was important to me. And Chouji, I don’t think it’s that important to you, either.” 

-

The clinic wasn’t entirely finished but the workmen had long gone home for the day. Sakura found the Hokage sitting in one of the unfinished exam rooms, looking out a window. 

She sat down beside him. 

“I can’t save everyone, Sakura,” he said. 

“I know you can’t,” she said. 

“and I can’t understand everyone, either,” he replied. 

“I know.” 

He sighed, stood up. “Walk me through it?” 

She took his hand and led him to the reception area. As the sun went down they travelled through the rooms, stepping over piles of lumber and pails of paint and spackle. 

“I was thinking we could name it after Naruto,” Sakura said when they got to the end. “Just to really chafe him.” 

She leaned on Chouji’s shoulder. “I won’t ask you to save everyone,” she said. 

“That makes you the first,” Chouji told her. 

-

“A pack’s gotta have a strong mated pair,” Kiba told Chouji. “That’s just facts.” 

Akamaru barked in agreement. 

“If I mention your mother and father are you gonna bite me?” Chouji asked. 

Kiba snorted. “With that many ANBU around? Nah but I’ll think about it.” He grins. “Dad couldn’t hack it, that’s all. It’d be a lot easier to be married to you.” 

“I’m not marrying your mom, Kiba.” 

Kiba’s laughter shows off his long eyeteeth. “She’d eat you alive,” he chortles. Then he calms down a little and says, “you’re thinking too hard about all this, Hokage-sama. Forget what your clan wants or what the village wants or whatever. It’s what you want, man.” 

-

“A kage moving furniture. Hell has frozen over.” 

Chouji snorted and pushed the sofa a little more to the left. “If I hide here long enough maybe ANBU will give up.” 

“I’m amazed you can even give them the slip,” Sakura told him as she added a lamp to an end table. “You never were very stealthy.” 

“You learn a lot of things really fast when your best friend throws you to the wolves.” 

“That’s harsh.” 

“But not untrue. Doesn't matter, Neji'll find me even if the others can't.” Chouji stretched his arms above his head, examined the room. “think your mom will like it?” 

“Ah I’ll just tell her I got the Hokage himself to come move her living room around, she’ll have to like it then.” 

-

Lee’s sparring sessions were always a workout Chouji was happy to endure. Punch, block, throw, kick- repetitive and forceful they’d fought one another sans-chakra so long it felt more like a dance than it did a bout. 

Afterwards as they wiped off the sweat and chugged water Lee said, “I have been thinking about your problem.” 

“Yeah?” Chouji asked, retying his ponytail. 

“Yes. You don’t know what you want, do you?” 

Chouji shook his head. “Not really.” 

Lee grinned at him. “Then you should talk to Sai.” 

At Chouji’s furrowed brow Lee offered him a thumbs up and an even broader grin. “Sai has no emotions to get in the way. He always knows what he wants. Perhaps his insight will help!” 

-

Sakura was wearing green and it was a nice change. Chouji told her so. 

“Thanks. Ino pointed out there’s a lot of red in my wardrobe. I mean she’s not wrong but she had to be so INO about it.” 

Chouji chuckled. “She’s good at that.” He spread out the paperwork. “Ready for the nitty gritty?” 

“No, but here we are.” Sakura sat. “Okay, what are we looking for?” 

“Anything that can be used to terrorize the next batch of genin in the exams,” Chouji told her. 

“Fun. Who are we foisting this off on?” 

“I thought maybe Shino would like a crack at heading the committee but..”

“You hesitate to put an Aburame in charge of the exams without knowing what kind of bugs he’d unleash.” 

“Exactly.” 

“You’d better have made the really good pork dumplings for this,” Sakura said. 

“I did.” Chouji promised. 

He watched her push her hair- midback now- behind her ear. The green brought out the creaminess of her skin. 

-

Sai had just finished sketching all the definition on Chouji’s arm when he looked up and said, “You want someone who doesn’t hate you for being fat.” 

Chouji blinked. 

“God you’re worse than Shikamaru,” he said. Sai shrugged and continued drawing. 

He thought about it as Sai drew. 

He wasn’t wrong, per say. 

“I want,” Chouji said aloud, “someone who likes me for me.” 

Someone who wouldn’t demand he change. Someone for whom he was enough. 

“Lift,” Sai said and Chouji did. The other ninja continued to draw. In the hypnotic silence Chouji thought about being enough. 

-

“-and the two idiots sent me another letter. They’re headed to the Land of Water.” 

“I’ll warn Mei,” Chouji promised. Sakura grinned. “You’d better.” 

Chouji’s office windows were open, better to let in the warm spring air. Outside Konoha had burst into bloom which was wreaking havoc on those with allergies. 

“Sakura?” 

“Yeah?”

“Marry me?” 

The wind seemed too loud in Chouji’s ears. 

Sakura’s smile was slow and wide. “Why, Hokage-sama. I thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no Neji section, I know. I couldn't make one fit quite right so he gets a shout out as Chouji's long suffering bodyguard.


	5. Playing In The Dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hokage deals with a literal mess.

This particular flavor of enemy was aggravating as hell. Projectiles? Sure, okay. Jutsus? Great. Wood style, Fire style, Wind style, whatever. 

Mud people? As in, people MADE of mud, who could turn everything beneath them to mud?

The Worst. 

Now Chouji felt for them, he did. As far as he could tell the whole group was comprised of men who were farmers before Orochimaru got a hold of them and used key phrases like ‘chakra enhancement’ and 'natural potential’ and then did something completely unethical that had turned them into the extremely durable mudmen they were currently.

Someone’s going to have to go through the paperwork for this and Chouji could think of four different chunin off the top of his head that had been particularly trying as of late. He filed their names away and moved out of attack range for the fourth time. Durable and aggravating they were- master strategists they were not. 

“You know,” he said, using an earth wall to divert a boulder one of his attackers had thrown with the same zeal he’d watched cousin Maruten once huck a crab that had gone bad before it could make it into the seafood casserole, “we could talk about this.”

More snarling and muddy gurgling from the Subordinates but the Head Mud Man started laughing maniacally. Or he was 80% likely to be the Head Mud Man. In Chouji’s experience the ones who laughed maniacally considered themselves leaders, even if their buddies didn’t.

“Talk?! Your village destroyed our homes! Our families! Our lives!”

“That’s not technically-” Chouji neatly punched another boulder in two. “-true.”

Orochimaru had, after all, been a rogue missing-nin when he’d really started to dig into the endless rabbit hole of unethical and immoral scientific failures. Besides, before he’d even made the flying leap the Snake had warmed up using his own fellow nin and kidnapped children. It should have been Orochimaru out there dealing with the detrius, but Chouji didn't want Orochimaru within a hundred yards of anyone he might have wronged.

That list just kept getting longer by the day. Chouji was going to have to talk to somebody about making a filing method for it. 

“SEMANTICS!” the Head Mud Man roared. “A monster from a village of cowards! Cowards who send a FAT FOOL to fight!”

“Hey now I resemble that remark,” Chouji shot back. He took a quick three steps to the right and one back. 

_Just a little further._

Their initial attempt at burying Konoha in a rockslide had been brazen but proven amazingly ineffective. The village was defended by Yamato’s tree barrier, embedded into the stone of Konoha's boundary wall with the best fuinjutsu Tenten and Naruto could manage. Time and money well spent, to Chouji’s delight. He’ll rub the Elder Council’s face in it for days. Hopefully the ANBU were following disaster protocol. This wasn’t Chouji’s ideal test run of said protocol, but what the hell. Your braised vegetables caught on fire, you switched to flambé. He’d be sure to do a full overview.

Just- after-

For a moment, to the Head Mud Man, time seemed to stop.

Then the Hokage of Konoha was in front of him, grinning, huge.

“What-” he started but he couldn’t move, none of them could, because connected to their shadows were tiny black threads running across the ground they had destroyed chasing the Hokage, slithering beneath shadows formed by unearthed rocks and shards of root.

In the soft dark of the nearest trees, Nara Shikamaru grinned.

“What- how-” The Head Mud Man was sputtering.

“Hey, Ino,” Chouji asked as he straightened. “Got what you need?”

Slipping from the genjutsu that had made her a yet-undisturbed rock on the side of the makeshift battlefield, Ino nodded. “Everything.”

“They worth saving?”

She shook her head. Far from mourning their state, these creatures had used their newly acquired powers for a variety of distasteful things. They’d thought a ninvillage newly shaken up by a change of power and rumored to be blunting its claws would be a new fruit to pick.

The Seventh Hokage grinned, wide and sharp.

“Oh good. I’m hungry.”

-

“What do you even CALL that kind of fighting style?” Naruto demanded. He was walking the wall with Chouji, examining where Yamato’s tree-barrier could use some Kyuubi-boosts. It had held together well. They could just see the area Chouji and the mudmen had fought in, half a mile off from the village and looking like a bald spot in the Land of Fire's neverending green. The terraforming division would go over it in the next few days, decide what trees to plant, what to leave. 

“A goddamn mess is what I call it,” Chouji said sourly. “Fat lot of good you did.”

“Hey hey hey I’m with the Fuinjutsu division remember?”

“I say jump Mr. Hero-of-the-War you say how high.”

"You never even said jump!"

"You're supposed to anticipate my every whim, Naruto. Isn't that how this works?" 

“You’re a slave driver, Chouji. And besides you took care of it!”

“Naruto. Have you ever eaten dirt?”

“Not lately why?”

The Seventh Hokage neatly hip checked the Hero of the War off the wall. 

The resulting thud was musical.

“CHOUJI YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!” echoed from down below.

“DOESN’T TASTE NICE DOES IT?!” the Akimichi hollered back.

“FUCK NO!”

Chouji watched to make sure Naruto could make it back up the wall without trouble, gave him an arm to tug on so he could mount the top.

“At least you don’t have to whiten your teeth?” Naruto offered as Chouji dusted him off.

Chouji chuckled. “Always with the silver lining, Naruto.”

“Hey it’s what heroes do.”

“and then Hokages clean up after them.”

“Or shove them off walls!”

“Oh come on I knew you could handle that.”

“How would you like it if I shoved YOU off a wall?”

“I don’t know why don’t you ask my ANBU?”

“Oh fuck you. Let’s look at the northern edge, I think a boulder made it through.”


	6. Dem Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hokage and a visitor consider shared ghosts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where this AU veers off into OC/headcanon territory and where you are introduced to someone who might sound familiar if you've read any of my other fics.

Akimichi Chouji and Suikazan Akitsu are cousins. 

Distantly, yes, but the relation exists. Were a member of one clan to stand beside a member of the other, a layman would have a hard time telling them apart. 

There are some key differences, of course. The Akimichi tend towards nut brown to black hair, with a smattering of red and redblonde introduced by Uzumaki spouses over a period of generations. The Suikazan do not have any haircolor darker than burnt orange, and their Head Family is easily identified by the vibrant, almost dayglow shade of their locks. 

The Suikazan tattoo their seals in green. The Akimichi tattoo their seals in red. 

The Suikazan serve Kirikagure. The Akimichi belong to Konoha. 

The Suikazan have naturally sharp teeth. 

The Akimichi- well. They didn’t. Before. 

It’s a little different now. 

Before the fourth war the two clans were Decidedly Unreasonable about their obvious blood connection. A wise person didn’t bring it up, especially not over food. 

Each clan had things to say about the other and while they weren’t necessarily wrong, they weren’t right, either. 

The Suikazan are murderous gluttons. They don’t care about their comrades. They want power any way they can get it.

The Akimichi are lazy leeches. They are weak and soft, content to hang back. They’ll move power around like chess pieces if it means they keep what they have. 

After the war, though.

After.

The ancient feud can’t be said to be mended, because these things take time, but a good deal of damage had been undone. It helped that in the midst of the chaos two young men found one another in a desperate situation and in teaming up saved their platoons and themselves.

One of these men became the Head of his Clan.

The other became Hokage. 

And now they sit in Chouji’s office, which is empty of all ANBU, and together contemplate a skull.

It has been carefully excavated from an island off the coast of Kiri, one not marked on any map and avoided by sailors and pirates alike. Cursed, so they say. 

The two men look over what has been found. 

“Well,” Akitsu says as diplomatically as he can, “it has your eyes.” 

“Mm. And your mouth,” Chouji replies.

More silence.

In shape the skull could belong to either man, big and heavy like their bones are. 

The mandible, though, carefully found and plastered together, is alarmingly Different. 

The teeth set within it are sharp like Akitsu's are sharp, fitting together like puzzle pieces. It’s longer, with deeper grooves on its sides. It’s just a bit more square, more scooplike. 

More powerful. 

Chouji isn’t a medicnin and he’s not letting his wife within a hundred feet of the skull but he thinks he can envision the musculature of such a man, where the tendons would stretch. Farther than a normal human’s, certainly. Wide enough to bite a hand off. Or a head. 

Then there’s the forehead. 

It’s not a unique forehead in shape, but it has two features that aren’t exactly typical. 

The first is a divot- a depression- in the exact center, shallower than the eye sockets but resembling them in a disturbing fashion. It is more oval in shape, taller and thinner.

The second is the horns. 

They are long and heavy, coming out at the temples and then spiralling back over the top of the skull. There’s a counterweight tied between the two tips to keep the artifact steady. No doubt the vertebrae in the living specimen had been massive to support such weight. 

Chouji runs his tongue along his teeth. They’re sharper now. Had been since the war. No one really talks about it, or asks. It’s difficult to notice. He’s abandoned his hat and on his forehead, where his hitaiate normally sits comfortably, a golden eye is lazily blinking. 

On Akitsu’s forehead, an identical eye is blinking back. 

“So.” Akitsu says.

“So.” Chouji says.

They continue to look at the skull.

“How much longer can your people dig?” Chouji asks Akitsu. 

“As long as they want. The Lead on the project's hoping to get a full sample soon. There’s other skeletons- popular theory amongst the team is that they stumbled on a burial mound. No one’s spooked yet but they like it when one of ours is there.” 

A Suikazan to settle old ghosts. Chouji wonders if he should send an Akimichi, too. Just to be safe. 

He lays his hand on the ogre skull. 

Akitsu does, as well.

As one the two men take a deep breath. Perhaps they imagine the skull breathing with them. 

“When you’re done,” Chouji says to his cousin, “Set up a memorial?” 

Akitsu nods. “I was thinking. It’s a big island. There’s other signs of life. If you could swing it by your council, we could use the help. Quiet like.” 

Chouji smiles. “Quiet like.” He agrees. 

Between them the missing link of their ancient family- the generations-old grandfather from whom the Akimichi had turned while the Suikazan embraced- fills the room. 

“You know it really is too bad,” Akitsu says thoughtfully as he seals the skull away. 

“Why?” Chouji asks him. 

“I think we’d have looked damn sexy with horns.” 

Chouji grins. “You know what? We would have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Roo did you just infer that the Akimichi are descended from man-eating Oni and that Chouji's weird eyeball and fresh sharp teeth are kekkei genkai throwbacks to this ancestor, the result of him literally eating a human being during the fourth ninja world war?" 
> 
> As a matter of fact...
> 
> note: There is exactly 1 (one) canonical Suikazan. That would be Suikazan Fuguki, who wielded Samehada before Kisame and was in fact murdered by everyone's favorite sharkman. It was Fuguki's arguably similar physical design (although he's really a pufferfish pun) that led me to create this Akimichi-Suikazan relation headcanon.


	7. Reparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> politics and snakes.

If Chouji were a more ruthless man- or maybe just a crasser one- he would point out to Kankuro that the Suna puppeteer had never LIKED Rasa in the first place.

Kankuro, being Kankuro, would acknowledge that this was true. 

However. 

It’s the principle of the thing. 

They both know this and it’s why the Seventh Hokage and the Red Sands Troupe Master are sitting across from one another in a council chamber, the scaley elephant in the room looking on like this is a particularly interesting practice spar. 

Chouji hadn’t wanted Orochimaru present at all, but he didn't bother to argue with the Sannin’s logic that "you will be discussing me and perhaps I could elucidate on any questions the Suna representative might have regarding the execution of the crush.” 

Better to have him where Chouji can keep an eye on him, though it would be nice if he stopped stacking all the coasters into increasingly bizarre constructions.

People could call Orochimaru a snake all they wanted. Chouji found him to be more like the worst kind of cat- always right where you didn’t want him to be and grinning like he knew something you didn’t and would share it with another similarly morally aligned cat over your cooling corpse. 

“As agreed upon by the Sixth Kage summit, which your brother attended,” Chouji stresses, “the high crimes of several Konoha missing nin, including Matsunaga Orochimaru, were to be considered eliminated on the basis of the Rising Sun treaty drafted at that same meeting.” 

“True,” Kankuro agrees, “but that was Gaara.” 

Chouji doesn’t rub his temples because he refuses to show weakness to a man who spends every day in the desert in full performance black. “I need you to help me understand the difference, Kankuro.” 

“As Kazekage, Gaara has to do what’s best for Suna overall,” Kankuro says, arms laced carelessly behind his head. Chouji isn’t fooled. He’s seen this man eviscerate half a squad with a twitch of his left pinky. “and so under the laws of the fifth Kage summit, he cannot make demands on other villages’ ninja to satsify blood debts.” 

“But you,” Orochimaru says, sounding delighted, “are not a Kage.” He adds a little flourish to his coaster Hokage tower.

Kankuro glances at Orochimaru as carelessly as a crow sidehopping an already picked over bone pile. “Exactly.” 

“How deliciously underhanded. Who thought of it? Your sister?” 

Kankuro ignores the question. “As Troupe Master of Sunakagure,” he tells Chouji, “I’m not bound by the laws governing the Kage. And as oldest son of the Sabaku clan it is expected that I demand a blood debt for my father.” 

“As your brother’s right hand man those statements are suspect at worst and barely legal at best,” Chouji argues. “beyond the years that have passed since your father's assassination. There isn’t a person in Konoha who doesn’t know that every move you make has the approval of Gaara. I can’t okay this, Kankuro, you know it.”

“The Hokage has a duty to uphold the law,” Kankuro agrees, “but the laws of Konoha clearly state that in cases of wrongdoing on the part of their ninja, the wronged party can seek compensation up to and including the life of the offender. That was the conclusion of the Cloud and Dragon case, wasn’t it?” 

Chouji lets his face remain passive and reminds himself that Kankuro must be angling for something else, but he’s going to have strong words for Gaara later. 

To use the case that killed Neji’s father in an attempt to gain Orochimaru? 

If Suna wants to go low, Chouji’s more than ready to go lower. 

“At the time of the incident in question Orochimaru was not a fully fledged Konoha ninja, and so the arguement of the Cloud and Dragon case doesn’t apply,” the Hokage says. “If Suna wanted vengeance they had plenty of time before the war and the subsequent reintegration.” 

“Is that what we call this?” Orochimaru asks curiously. His coaster maze is missing a wall and he seems a bit put out but there are no more coasters to be had. 

The Sanin is again ignored. 

“What if I agreed to settle for something less than his life?” Kankuro says. 

Chouji feels Shikamaru in the eyebrow lift he gives. Finally. “Go on.” 

“What if we just wanted to borrow him?” 

The other eyebrow goes up. “Kankuro, what on earth use would you have for borrowing Orochimaru?” 

“I could use a vacation,” Orochimaru says. He flicks the coaster mansion and watches it tumble. 

“As the head of my brother’s protection detail and the anti-terrorism unit it’s my job to find and eliminate possible security leaks and weaknesses before they can adversely impact my job,” Kankuro says. “The biggest security break in our history was perpetrated by Orochimaru.” 

“Oh you really do have a problem then,” Orochimaru comments, shuffling the coasters like a deck of cards. 

“Matsunaga,” Chouji says politely, “shut up.” 

To Kankuro’s surprise, Orochimaru does. 

Chouji inhales slowly. “Kankuro, why didn’t you start with that? No, don’t tell me, I know.” 

He does. Orochimaru is a touchy subject in Suna, and to get even the rough draft of what he is proposing through the council Kankuro probably had to beg, borrow and steal. 

Using Rasa's death probably _was_ Temari's idea. She's so beautifully vicious. 

Chouji settles his eyes on Kankuro. The puppeteer can practically feel the hidden third one burning through the hitai-ate. 

“Parameters of the request?” Chouji asks. 

“Six months, maybe seven. We’ve got a task force dedicated to improving security. Orochimaru would be a consult.” 

“Proximity to kekkei-genkai enabled nin?” 

“None whatsoever.” 

“Check ins?” 

“Every eight hours.” 

“Dietary needs?” Orochimaru asks. He taps the coastes into a neat little stack and sets them aside. Kankuro cranes his head around to stare at the Sannin. “I know what you eat in the desert. I’m a vegetarian.” 

“Taken care of,” Kankuro says with a half-sneer and turns to look back at Chouji. 

“Alright,” the Hokage says, “this has just moved from a blood rite demand to an average mission hash out. Therefore-” he stamps the paper in front of him. “Konoha denies Sabaku Kankuro’s petition for the deportation of Matsunaga Orochimaru to Suna for a formal trial regarding the assassination of Sabaku Rasa.” He pulls out another form. “-and we open a consideration of mission request from Suna for the services of Matsunaga Orochimaru in security improvements around the office of Kazekage. Squared?” 

“Squared,” Kankuro says. “Is it food time? I’m starving.” 

–

Chouji is staring at papers and his eyes have started to feel a little gritty when a cup of hibiscus tea is put down in front of him. 

“What time is it?” He asks, grabbing the tea. 

“Past midnight,” his ANBU guard says. The man sits down and takes off his mask. “Where are you at?” Neji asks. 

“Kankuro’s not stupid,” Chouji says. “He knew he couldn’t expect us to approve a request to send Orochimaru to Suna to face justice. Much as he richly deserves it.” 

Sometimes doing what is good for the village is a massive pain in the ass. 

“You don’t want to send Orochimaru at all,” Neji says. 

“Orochimaru is only still here because he finds this whole thing amusing,” Chouji points out. “He likes it when life is interesting and being in Konoha is the most interesting thing, right now. If we send him to Suna and he gives them the slip we are back at square one. I don’t want to be the Hokage who let the snake back into the garden.” 

“You have two ninja who are guaranteed to make sure that Orochimaru remains in line,” Neji points out. 

“Yeah, but I don’t want to send either of them.” Chouji sighs. “Sasuke’s not too popular in Suna anyway and Yamato shouldn’t have to spend time with the man who forced Wood Release on him, I don't care how many 'it's not a problem Lord Hokage's he throws at me.” 

“They’ll both do their duty,” Neji says. “But if you are looking for a suggestion..”

“Aren’t I always?” Chouji asks. 

“Well. There’s one way to make it work.” 

“I’m listening.” 

-

“YOOOOSSSHHHH! Let’s go! It’s a race!” 

“Look Bushy Brows we aren’t racing to Suna I don’t think the snake’s old heart could keep up.” 

“As a matter of fact, Naruto, my heart is only-”

“I DON’T WANNA KNOW DON’T TELL ME LA LA LA LA.” 

“Tch. You’re all idiots.” 

“Now, now, Sasuke, we’re going to be together for almost six months is this any way to start such a special mission?”

“Yeah babe listen to Tree Dad.”

“….why would you call me that, Naruto?..” 

“What did I do to deserve to get sent on this mission anyway?” 

“Don’t be like that, Sasuke! Your Most Youthful Knowledge and Skill will surely be unmatched in keeping our client safe from harm!” 

“I’m a client now?” 

“Nah you’re just baggage.” 

“Hm. Perhaps.” 

“No perhaps about it.” Naruto turns, raises his hands to his mouth and bellows back at the gate. “DON’T WORRY CHOUJI WE’LL MAKE SURE HE BEHAVES!” 

Wonder of wonders, Orochimaru raises a hand to wave. 

Chouji continues to wave and smile but he speaks out the side of his mouth to Neji. “If this goes bad I’m making you Hokage and I’m moving to the Land of Corpses.” 

“If you think Sakura won’t find you there, you’re wrong,” Neji replies. 

“Then I will die a free man.” 

“No, you’ll just die.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orochimaru is never provided a clan name in canon. The name I use both in my fics and while writing with a friend is Matsunaga. 
> 
> Likewise, Orochimaru's dietary restrictions are never mentioned in canon. Being a vegetarian just seems like the kind of choice he would make.
> 
> Orochimaru is a weirdo.


	8. Imminent Domain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The village of Konoha is growing, real estate is prime, and an entire clan's land is being held by one surviving member. The Hokage must do something about it.

At the height of their strength, the Uchiha clan had been bitter kings of a good portion of land on Konoha’s outer edge, where the prison used to be. After the Uchiha Incident- officially rewritten in all of Konoha’s documents as The Uchiha Massacre- the prison had been taken over by an ANBU division and the Uchiha village-within-a-village had by and large remained empty, save for a single occupant. 

That lone landowner looked over the map spread out on Chouji’s desk. 

“You could just take it away,” he commented. 

“I could,” Chouji acknowledged, because new rules instituted after the war did give him that right, “but I’d rather not.” 

“Why?”

“Because you’ve suffered enough, Sasuke,” Chouji said. 

The Uchiha looked up at him, visible eye wide. Chouji’s chuckle was a little sardonic. “Sorry. Too Naruto for you?” 

Sasuke smiled, just a little. Chouji counted that smile as a victory. 

The Uchiha ran his fingers over his official property line, a barren section full of empty houses that red tape and popular opinion had kept Hiruzen from seizing after the demise of his clan. There was no such sentiment to save it now. Popular opinion regarding the Uchiha was at what could politely be called an all time low, even when the war was taken into account. Konoha’s population was increasing. More active-duty shinobi were seeking lodging outside of the barracks, more families were moving in from the countryside. New buildings for new purposes needed to be commissioned. 

In its time, the Uchiha compound had been a banishment from Konoha proper. Now it was prime real estate for a growing village, already housing some determined squatters whom Sasuke hadn't the heart to evict. 

The only thing keeping the land empty the man sitting across from the Seventh Hokage. 

Sasuke looked up at Chouji. Without the hat (which he often left off as Tsunade and Kakashi before him) Chouji had none of the look of a village leader. Sasuke supposed that was what made him so good at the job. Chouji was an easy man to trust in a seat no one should ever trust completely. 

“The Uchiha will never be as prominent as they were,” Sasuke admitted and it burned him a little inside. His memories of his vast family are vague shards. He won’t get any cousins back, no uncles or aunts. There are no grandparents to teach fanmaking and no mother to help sharpen kunai. 

No fathers to teach Great Fireballs over the tiny pond. 

“That doesn’t mean you’re not going to need a compound,” Chouji reminded him. “You and Naruto can’t stay in the guest quarters forever. For one thing if my cleaning staff find one more instant ramen packet where they shouldn’t they might revolt.” 

Sasuke snorted. "It would have been fine if you let Naruto stay in his apartment." 

"In the lower district? I tried," Chouji said. "You know I did."

The results had been frustrating for both Naruto and Chouji. War heroes don't get to be left alone when they live in apartments that aren't barred from public access. It was causing trouble for his neighbors, too- mainly laborers, a few prostitutes, some other types that the Hyuuga might consider unsavory. It was move Naruto into the guest quarters of the tower or infest the lower district with ANBU. 

Chouji knew better than the Hokages before him that the lower district was best left to its own devices. 

"I know," Sasuke sighed. "It's just-" he waved his hand at the map sort of helplessly.

“Well if you want my opinion,” Chouji said.

"What if I don't?" Sasuke asked.

"I'm the Hokage. You're hearing it anyway."

Sasuke snorted. 

"Anyway. Where was I. My opinion, yes. I was thinking- here.” Chouji circles an area around the small pond with a red wax pencil. “big enough for a few houses, maybe a workshop if you bring that kind of talent. Water, for those fire jutsus you love so much. Back path to the mountain. No reason to take the Uchiha name off your current training grounds, either, those can remain as they are.” 

“And I suppose you would allocate the surrounding area for housing lots?” Sasuke asked. 

“Mostly,” Chouji agrees, “but not here.” He gestures to a wooded area. “I think there needs to be something here.” 

“Something like what?” Sasuke asked. 

“I don’t know. I was doing to leave it up to you and Sai to design, but. Some kind of memorial.” 

“I don’t want a memorial.” Sasuke said. 

“It’s not about what you want, Sasuke,” Chouji replied. “It’s about what you need. What Konoha needs.”

Sasuked looked up sharply but Chouji continued to gaze at him, an immovable wall. He sighed. “There’s no reason to keep all that land empty. Consider this a soft yes, but- I’ll have to talk to Naruto.” 

“By all means. Is he taking your name or are you taking his?” 

Sasuke flushed just a little. “We haven’t decided.” 

“Hard choice to make,” Chouji acknowledged. The Uzumaki were by and large gone, their members scattered to the winds after Uzushio’s destruction. The Uchiha were reduced to one. One clan would have to disappear for the other to flourish. 

Chouji was fairly certain he’d soon be greeting Uchiha Naruto, but he wasn’t going to mention it. Let Sasuke angst for a little longer. 

—

In the end the Uchiha compound was vastly reduced to one large house, a stretch of empty land that would someday hold other houses, and the pond. 

Building of new housing began in earnest but as Chouji had promised the little wooded area remained untouched. It was a park like others in Konoha, little pockets of quiet in the bustle of the village. 

It had five paths that twisted around to a centeral clearing. If one walking the paths stopped to think about it they might notice that each path followed the same curveture, that the red painted sage gates with their banners were placed at equal intervals, that the shrine in the middle was round with a deeply sunken pit of water that could argueably be something like the center of a pinwheel. 

In this shrine there were candles and purifying bells, red screens and prayer slips with a big bronze bowl to burn them in. There was a war fan mounted on the innermost wall, the most ornate many in the village had ever seen. 

There was also a statue. 

Sai had redesigned it four times with Sasuke’s input before they’d asked for one of Iwa’s foremost sculptors to do the work. It was a woman, dressed in a fine kimono stitched over with the Uchiha fan. In her hands she cradled a newly hatched crow, and her eyes- unlike the rest of her black marble countenance- were made of red jasper. 

Chouji never asked Sasuke about the model used to create the statue. He didn't need to. He had seen pictures of Uchiha Mikoto. 

"What happens," Neji asked the Hokage at the dedication, "if they do become kami?" 

Chouji shrugged, tugged down the brim of his hat and watched Naruto lay his head on Sasuke's shoulder. "Not bad guardian deities to have, are they?"

Neji hadn't answered. 

In his later years, after his retirement, the Seventh could often be found at the Uchiha shrine, head bowed in prayer or sitting on one of the scattered benches enjoying the dappled sunshine. 

From a certain bench Chouji could watch the curve of the path, see where many feet had worn down the flagstones. If he closed his eyes he could hear the roar of great fireballs over the pond, smell steel and sweat on the wind, just barely catch the rippling edge of Naruto's faraway laughter. 

He might stop at a favored dango cart on the way home, watch how children gleefully played regardless of the clan badges they did or did not wear. 

He would listen as his own firstborn son prayed to Uchiha Mikoto for determination before his chunin exams, and when Chosuma said to him, "Are they really listening, Pa?" Chouji would say to him, "I certainly hope so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shinto shrines in Japan vary in their size and ceremony but many encapsulate local kamis who can be anything from people who have died and been elevated to minor gods or the spirits of nearby natural elements. The Uchiha clan aesthetic uses a lot of Shinto, so it seems only fair that once they are exonerated they are given at least that due.


	9. A Thousand Little Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things happen when we aren't paying attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where this AU steers into polyamory. If you're not into that, the exit is at the top of the web browser. 
> 
> This chapter's also written in a weird format for me- second person close.

A cup of hibiscus tea, delivered just as the crease between Chouji’s eyes is turning into a trench. 

-

A silent escort home from the clinic. Sakura doesn’t need it, but she’s the wife of the Hokage. You will provide it. 

-

A quick cooking lesson before a week off because “Neji I’ve seen your lunch box. You know you can COOK vegetables, right?” 

-

Being entrusted with the real treaty scroll over seven dummies have already been sent. You are Shrike, and the Hokage trusts you best, and the rest of the ANBU know it. 

-

Watching the two of them together at home during your turn in the rotation and feeling a little stirred up at the bottom of your stomach when Sakura laughs and kisses the swirls on your Hokage’s cheeks. 

-

Turning down another date. Explaining to your Clan Head and her sister that you just don’t have time. 

Trying not to see the way Hinata’s eyes follow you in quiet understanding. 

-

A soothing balm in a jar, meant for aching muscles. “I make the same for Chouji,” Sakura says, “though more concentrated.” She shows you how to apply it, in broad strokes. She makes you repeat the chakra molding for the activation jutsu until you can do it blindfolded, not that a blindfold would make any difference. 

-

“Neji, your hair is a disaster. Sit down.”

“Lord Hokage-”

“If I look at this masonry report one more time before the Engineering Department sends me their clarifications I am going to lose my mind. Brushing your hair is easier.” 

Despite the impropriety, you allow him to do it. He’s clever and careful with the comb and of course, he has hair that’s long, too. Do his hands linger? You can’t tell. 

-

Your kitchen, in an apartment you barely live in. Naruto across from you, sunny and bright. 

“I don’t know what to do,” you say.

“Some genius you are,” Naruto replies, because he knows what to do. Of course he does. 

-

Your resignation. 

“I beg your pardon?” The Hokage asks. 

He is not begging any pardon. 

“I’ve become compromised,” you say and it’s not untrue. He can’t force you. He doesn’t. 

“Neji, if you need to talk-”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” It’s a lie and you both know it. 

-

Sakura is not as kind as Chouji.

She finds you on the second day.

“Is it something we did?” She asks. 

Not I. Not he. We. 

-

A jar of balm, a hair combing. A lesson, a lunch. Nervous laughter in a well insulated and sealed kitchen as they say to one another, Maybe. Maybe? 

So many rules, but then Chouji knows a man who is good with rules. Nothing in the laws saying no. Nothing there saying yes, either. 

-

Sparring with Lee is like dancing, like breathing. You like the effort and the distraction.

He doesn't ask you questions, just blocks your strikes and charges forward. 

When you're both done, laid out on the grass and staring up at the blue sky, he says, "Neji?" 

You don't want to answer but you do. "Yeah?"

"I want you to be happy." 

It's the most Lee way of being scolded you've ever heard. You don't say anything more and neither does he. 

-

After kicking around for a month or three you return to ANBU, request a division change. They put you on Search and Rescue, then on Extraction. Good work, hard work. It leaves you too exhausted to think about other things or accept invitations from teammates, friends and cousins. 

It guarantees you rarely see pink hair bobbing through a crowd or the oceans of humanity parting for a leader who can when he chooses take up no space at all. 

Then you go home to the apartment you still barely live in. There your Sensei sits, having walked up the stairs on his hands with his wheelchair balanced on his back.

And you can’t run anymore. 

-

Your Hokage is shaking a little. You realize with a sinking heart that he is afraid. 

That even after six years at the job, success rates damn near the Fourth’s, the trust and love of his village, somewhere in Chouji is still that fat little boy shadowed by a clan’s greatness. 

Sakura’s hand on his shoulder steadies him. Your fingers around the back of his neck anchor him. 

-

Your Hokage is an excellent kisser.

So is his wife. 

-

So little actually changes. You wonder what you were afraid of. 

You can’t quite remember, now. 

-

A cup of tea, an escort home. Trust that you will get the job done. A third set of hands when Chosuma is crying in the night and all of you are tired. An awkward discussion in the ANBU locker rooms. 

A tea with Tenten.

A jade green seal ripped off your forehead with such relish you know she’s been planning it for years. 

"They can't say dick," she says with an unholy light in her eyes which may have come from her Cloud girlfriend, or maybe not. "You're fucking the Hokage." 

"And his wife," you say because you are a stickler for facts. 

Tenten grins. "That too." 

-

At your Hokage’s side- where you were always going to wind up, if you’re being honest- you watch the world turn. 

You can see a dark kiss bruise on his neck, wonder if you left it or if Sakura did. 

You know it doesn’t matter. It’s a little thing. Like freedom, and love. 

Just another of a thousand little things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neji becoming a part of Sakura and Chouji's relationship was never in the original game plan (as much as I ever have a game plan) but after writing Diplomatic Relations I realized there had to be a reason why Chouji was so very salty at Kankuro's angling and went "Duh. Neji's his boyfriend." and it all sort of snowballed from there.

**Author's Note:**

> The concept of Shino being a sort of walking noah's ark for insects is not my fanon- it came from another tumblr user whose name I will put here as soon as I find it again.


End file.
